As a natural orator it confuses me how much I struggle to put my thoughts on to paper. I can talk forever and a day, and quite passionately – often not thinking before or as I speak. My mouth runs away and the words seem to form in my throat, bypassing my brain and just coasting between my teeth in an effortless plan of escape.
The problem then is I can’t remember what I said and other people are bad as recording devices. unless I say something really stupid – then everyone remembers that. My brain, late at night while trying to sleep will replay that stupid thing over and over, as the anxious brain is wont to do. Conversations flow back and forth, I create imaginary dialogue, think up ways I could have saved the situation or what I could have said instead – had I thought for but a moment. All in a haze, all in an anxious moment of self-reflection.
Then I sit down to write and behold! Nothing. A blank brain and an empty mouth. I get a tension headache through my left eye just staring at a blank page. Any ideas I previously held on any topic seem mundane, boring, stupid, unworthy of having an audience. I feel powerless and completely stupid. That being said, I currently have 18 drafts all sitting in my dash and all have some dot points or short sentences to expand. I have a few ideas occasionally, then my brain goes blank for months! During the time I have mad rushed ideas and I want to write and write, I’m worried about overwhelming everyone with the constant posting. I struggle to find the balance in everything I do and my creativity and posting is definitely one of the biggest balance struggles.
I find a lot of the time inspiration strikes at the most inconvenient time too. In a meeting when I’m meant to be taking minutes, not furiously writing plot lines of a short story; Or in the middle of a run on the treadmill, or in a serious conversation with someone going through a hard time. My memory is failing me on a more frequent basis (a topic for another day) and it’s hard to hold on to any inspiration that deems me worthy to come to, but more often than not I’m not in a position to write it down and I can’t remember when the time is appropriate.
I’m aware I’m not the only writer who struggles with it. The term “writers block” doesn’t simply exist with no real application! but what happens when inspiration hits and it’s a very, very bad moment to say “Sorry, I just need to write this thought down”? What is one to do? Are there ways around it? Ways to remember it, or to casually seem to be paying attention while 99.7% of your focus is on this one brief glimmer of inspiration?
I’m yet to find an answer that works for me. It’s frustrating, because I don’t like not having answers. I’m a “Fixer”. I find solutions to problems and I revel in making things easier, smoother, more streamlined. It’s hard when it is yourself and your own lack of inspiration. I guess that’s the point of this post. I have nothing to say, yet I have so many things to say, they’re overwhelming. So I’ll let them sit there a while longer as I think of ways to express my thoughts properly…