It’s been a wonky start to 2017.
Despite the several hospitalizations over Christmas, I managed to land myself there thrice more for carelessness and further tests. Thankfully it was discovered early in the month I don’t have a deadly blood clot loitering in my leg since I tore my ligament. That meant I was able to start physiotherapy sooner, rather than later. Two sessions later and I’m walking normally and my ankle has vastly improved. I can almost run, and I’ve been cleared to go back to the gym. The poor Physiotherapist had no idea what to do with the tears dramatically rolling down my cheeks as I hugged him tightly, thanking him profusely for that information. I had resigned myself to three months minimum of no gym, and the black dog of depression was closing in. My partner had noticed my mood change, and I was also struggling to hide it from those who don’t know me as well as he does. The news that I could have my stress relief, my goals, my life line back on the table significantly sooner was unbearable.
With this exhilarating news, I’ve gone about my life with a lot more clarity. Having a goal much closer has driven me to do my physio exercises and not cop out of them because “they’re too hard” or “I don’t wanna”. Coworkers also noticed the dramatic shift in my mood. Even the thought of being at the gym bolstered my life considerably. I’m struggling to remain sane about my expectations though. With getting myself physically back in shape taking up a large portion of my mind, I’ve also found myself considering the people around me and my position among them once more.
The people I work with and how they/we interact was something I’ve had to take a hard look at. I love my job and the work I do, but a physical role does not necessarily make for a good job. For me, it is the people I work alongside that make a job or career enjoyable and worthwhile. Over the years I’ve worked in diverse and varying roles; From nanny to bartender at a gay nightclub, from barista/waitress to personal assistant for an arborist. You name it, chances are I’ve dabbled in it. Currently, I’m positioned within an elite industry, working casually on part time hours with no job security while I muddle through the mire that is adulthood and early accrued debt. I am no longer happy with that arrangement. I’ve worked long, hard hours in a variety of casual positions to keep myself afloat for most of my life. I’ve decided it’s finally time to strive for better because I deserve better.
Coming to this conclusion was not, and is not easy. Deciding that you are worth more than your current salary, how you are treated in a current position, and how you are treated and perceived by coworkers and peers seems silly and selfish, but let me assure you, selfishness is not always a bad thing, and self-evaluation is a powerful tool. Self-evaluation allows you to reflect on your circumstances and build plans around strategies you know will work for you. It allows you to review how you got to the position you’re in now and use clear and concise strategies to change it. It allows for a discussion with your peers, coworkers, friends, and initiates a dialogue that generates fresh ideas.
With this in mind I have reevaluated my current job and deemed it no longer suitable for my life and my needs. This is terrifying, but exhilarating. This realisation has allowed me to think deeply about how much I value my mental wellbeing, my financial standing, and my long term financial goals; and how I can more easily achieve them within a certain timeframe. It’s cultivated hope and a type of courage I remember only being accessible after the fourth shot of vodka on a Saturday night bender as a youngster. I feel revitalised and quietly optimistic that one day soon I can become a grown up like so many of my friends. Trying to keep my brain in reality has been a struggle the last few weeks as I rewrite my resume and create artistic yet realistic representations of myself to sell myself to new companies. Keeping myself grounded has been the biggest challenge of them all, and I look forward to letting go of the shackles and flying straight to Cloud Nine.